My Hesitance in Participating in Gender Roles

To be honest, being so overtly feminine and gentle with a splash of 애교 offends me. I can't help but feel like I'm buying into the patriarchal gender divide if I participate in it. So when the social costs are high for opting out of it in my everyday interactions with most people... I don't know what to do... I regard it as my power and my freedom, therefore my integrity, to choose whether to participate or not. My freedom to be feminine and gentle with whom and in which circumstances. But I feel like it isn't in my power. Or at least the costs are high enough to discourage any real choice.

Ending the Slump

This self-pity party and depression along with self-destructive actions that have been festering for months needs to come to an end now.

I know these types of statuses aren't exactly ever welcomed on Facebook but hopefully I can get a pass as it is the beginning of the year; a time for new year resolutions.

My actions need to be more deliberate and calculated. 
I need to take better care of my health and relationships.
My thoughts and value system should more closely reflect what I can afford in my situation.

I recognize the rut I'm in because I've been here before years ago. Until recently, I was proud of how far I had come in terms of building a firm foundation of a healthy mindset of abundance and love. But then to realize that I'm back here. It's a little more than disheartening. But at least now I have the certainty that it will end and that I have the strength and power to end it.

This depression is seriously cramping my style. Not to mention the worst part: I am hurting people in my life. That is unacceptable to me. Creates the most distress to think that instead helping people, I hurt those in my life.

Onto my the core of it all: I'm simply exhausted by the resulting loneliness in trying to be authentic and empathetic as a person who holds unpopular opinions. This exhaustion led to sloppy decisions and a general decaying in life performance.

I'm caught in a conundrum. Of course, I used to hold fairly uninteresting ideas that conveniently matched those around me before I was pushed to re-evaluate my entire world due to a series of events. At first, I loved the change because of the freedom in ideology also meant freedom from the typical shames placed arbitrarily placed upon me. My confidence grew. I shined. I felt seen. And loved. But as time passed, my ideas and my openness have begun to alienate myself from opportunities and certain people as I enter adulthood with heavy responsibilities and expectations.

My very recently developed resolution is as follows: to pull back in both my thoughts and my openness. If I had the luxury of independence and acceptance, then perhaps my decision would be different. However, my current extent of involvement with others doesn't allow for the type of freedom in expression that I enjoyed previously without creating serious conflict. And I simply cannot afford to incur that sort of cost now.

Perhaps all of this is simply about growing up and shedding impracticality. And, y'know, making some painful mistakes along the way. Maybe I'm just stressed about losing my child-like wanderlust and deep transcendental connections with the world and individuals. Maybe all it was that I overvalued some parts of life to the detriment of my own life and development.

I know all this might sound depressing but the clarity of my situation and conscious decisions to remediate my situation gives me reassurance.